I'm lost and stupid without you.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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