I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
