Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
