Your face is a jimmy john
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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