i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
