she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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