ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
