I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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