Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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