you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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