i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
