seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
