I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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