we have pet lesbian snakes
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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