Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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