i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
