He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
