my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
