I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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