I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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