I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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