FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
