I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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