i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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