Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
