please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize