Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
