i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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