party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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