hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
