you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
