He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
