i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My life is pants optional.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
