Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
