she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
