we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
how drunk are you?
Several
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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