...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
