i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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