I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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