is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
cat food counts as protein by the way
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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