Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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