i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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