when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
