Moan for me like Helen Keller
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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