On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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