my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
