I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
