I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
