Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
