I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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