At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
