I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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