Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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