I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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